Hailey's last echo turned out just as we expected. The doctors looked to us for more advice than we looked at them. They were also stunned that we were sitting before them, and that Hailey's heart continued to beat with such life. They did tell us that her cord seemed to be more stressed than the last ultrasound, and wondered what we were going to do at this time. Allen and I both said we are waiting, and praying that God tells us what our next step is, but as for now, October 31, we do not feel He is telling us it is time for her to be born. She needs a little more time. They couldn't disagree, and told us that she is amazing, she has defied so many odds already. This coming from the director of Texas Children's Fetal Cardiology was pretty crazy to hear. Even she with all of her knowledge, couldn't tell us anything. All she could do was stand in amazement.
We left Texas Children's with the same feeling we had so many other times. We knew we were suppose to go see the doctors, we were suppose to get our check-ups, but they never could explain anything. Instead, we only had the Lord to depend on, the Lord to guide us and tell us what is happening. He again was the only one, and we still had no more answers, but that was okay. At this point, he had guided Hailey and given her life way past any of the doctors projections, so we were okay with going off of His plan, and not theirs. So we headed home still unsure of the future.
I had another check-up with my midwife, Cathy, on Friday. We went in and Hailey's heartbeat was still going, however she had the lowest heart rate we've seen. It was in the 110's to 120's. Could this mean her heart was slowing? Could this mean she was just resting? We were not sure, but Allen and I both were nervous. We went out to dinner that night, for some reason, I had a strong desire to go out to eat, just as a family. We've done this before, many times, but Friday the desire seemed different. Like there was an unknown reason to celebrate.
Saturday, Allen went out to do a few errands, and I stayed at the house while Kaylin napped. As he was headed to his last stop at the grocery store, I called and told him I had more bleeding. I didn't think too much about it, after all, these days this is not uncommon for me. But for some reason I told him not to lolly-gag at the store and to come home as fast as he was done. He did. When he did, he insisted I should tell Cathy what was going on. I wanted to just down play it and just hope it all went away. The bleeding was not bad, but I had been having a few cramps on and off throughout the day. But nothing that was painful, nothing I couldn't say was just tummy upsets, even though they were lower. We decided it would be best to go in and check on Hailey's heart rate in the morning.
That night, Kaylin decided to pull a late night, as she had been doing many nights this week. She and Allen stayed up until about 3. But they were able to get a little extra sleep since it was daylight savings time! We were to meet Cathy at 10. Kaylin was out on the couch until about 9:30 when we scooped her up and placed her in the car. We went in and right away, Hailey's heartbeat was there! Sounded better than on Friday! It was back in it's normal ranges of 130-140s. So what did this mean? This morning I had more cramping, about a hour apart, but only a few. I had one at 8:30 and hadn't had anymore since. Cathy offered to check to see if I was dilated at all, I declined, thinking no way, if I was in labor I would know. Kaylin's labor was just a feeling I couldn't ignore. And if I was dilated at all with Hailey, I didn't want to encourage that anymore.
So, we drove home. As we pulled into the neighborhood, sure enough there was another cramp. 11:00. What was this? I was driving so I took the long way around waiting for the cramp to subside. I tried to explain the pain to Allen the best way I could, but all I could come up with is that it felt like gas pains, only lower. When we got home, I made a snack for Kaylin and I. We shared snack time and I began to get tired. I felt kind of lazy, because I didn't stay up late, but I was exhausted. I walked into our bedroom laid down, thinking I'd just lay down and get a burst of energy and get right back up. Well instead, I sank into the bed and took a long power nap. I woke up with the feeling of, Oh my goodness, I do not want to get out of bed, that was awesome! When I looked at the clock, it was 12:20. I laid there for a while, and at 12:30 there is was again, dang 'cramps!' Well now these 'cramps' were coming closer together, about 8-10 minutes apart. They were still not painful, but made me mindful they were there. I text Cathy, she said it sounds like it could be labor starting. I just sort of laughed, no way, labor, today? We still had no feeling that it was the time. No feeling that it was time for Hailey to come. Cathy suggested we call the hospital and look at heading in.
I was scared. Hospital, labor... These two were a scary combination in my mind, but I knew if I was in labor and if Hailey's heart beat was still going, we needed to be there, we needed to be at Texas Children's.
I grabbed my hospital bag, Kaylin's things and the breast pump, loaded up the car and Allen placed Kaylin in. I called the doctor and she said it sounds like it could be early labor, but probably not. She wanted us to just come in to take a look. At 2, we were already heading down there.
We drove past the entrance, and I joke with Allen saying, see that's where women in labor usually get dropped off by their kind husbands. He just looked at me like "oh I guess I should have done that!" But no way was I getting out there, I could walk. We parked in the 3rd floor of the parking garage as usual. And up to the labor and delivery floor we went. I signed in, and I started bleeding again. This one was different.
They had me change into the lovely hospital gown and hop onto the bed. They first checked Hailey's heart, it was in the 130's! They also did a quick ultrasound to confirm that the strong heartbeat was Hailey's. She was holding on! Then they wanted to check me and the bleeding. I still figured maybe we'd get to leave soon, they'd look at me and say yes you're bleeding and we're not sure why, but you're not dilated, go on home. Instead, the doctor's words were just a bit different. She said "Oh my gosh Honey, you're complete. Do you need anything for pain? Do you feel like you need to push?" I just looked to Allen, who was holding Kaylin like "What in the world is going on?" He had the same look, except his was also telling me "I knew you'd make us wait till the last minute." Whoops honey, sorry about that one!
A nurse came in to tell us that Allen's parents were here and they could take Kaylin. Allen gave her over and focused on Hailey and I. They put on a heart monitor on Hailey, and Allen says as soon as they did, her heart rate was 66bpm. It had dropped and they all knew that. The doctor immediately removed the heart monitor. Something was going on. They asked what our plans were, since they could see this pregnancy had already pages of notes and they figured we had thoughts on what we wanted to do. They asked if we wanted to do an emergency c-section and take Hailey now. We still did not feel like that is what God was telling us to do. But then again, we didn't think today I'd be in labor either. Still we stuck with our instincts and said no, we wanted a natural delivery.
The doctor requested the ultrasound machine again, and wanted to look at Hailey's position. She pulled it up and said, "Did you know she was breech?" I just thought Oh great, no way, they're not going to allow me to give birth breech, not here. What is going on? She was just head down at the earlier checkup! So again, she asked if we wanted a c-section, I had bleeding, heartbeat appeared to be in trouble, Hailey was breech, and there was no fluid. Later Allen told me that he was able to see her heart beating in the first ultrasound but didn't get to look at this second one. Since they removed the heart monitor he isn't for sure but he said that the way the doctors demeanor changed he feels that they confirmed that Hailey's heart beat was barely hanging on.
Again we trusted our gut, and declined. We felt confident of that decision in the midst of everything, we knew that was not going to change the outcome for Hailey. God would pull her through. It was all up to Him and he was the one giving her life. He knew her days.
We transferred to a labor and delivery room, and I was told not to cough, sneeze or move too much. They were worried she'd be delivered any minute. Once we were in the room, and just getting comfy, they decided we'd be better if we moved to the operating room. The doctors were worried that since I was bleeding and Hailey was breech that we may need a blood transfusion or she may need extra help out. So again I transferred rooms and moved over beds. The O.R. was overwhelming. bright lights, tons of doctors, nurses, and just crowed with people. This was not how you were suppose to give birth. I was not comfortable with all these people. At one point they all looked at me and told me to push, I looked right back and said "NO". I will push when I feel like it. She will come out when she is ready. After exchanging a few glares at one of the doctors, she got the hint. I was not going to push with everyone looking at me.Plus I needed some sort of privacy. She asked that anyone who didn't need to be in there right now, leave and wait outside. This cleared out about 50% of people.
I tried to push, they encouraged me, Hailey was moving down. After about 4 rounds of 4 count pushes, she was here. At 3:58pm Our precious angel was here! The neonatal team took her away and wiped her off, they tried to stimulate her heart, but did not have any luck. They said she didn't have a heartbeat from the time she came out. God had answered our prayers. She went to Him while she was still inside the womb. She left the comfort of my body, and went straight into His arms. Praise God! He had our angel.
They wrapped her up in a blanket and asked if we wanted to hold her. That we did. We had waited a long time for her arrival, and we wanted to soak her up. She was our miracle. We were suppose to be here a long time ago, 17+ weeks ago. Allen and I traded off holding her the entire night. She was so beautiful, she was perfect. She was ours. We knew she was in Heaven with Jesus, but her body was ours, she was our child. Our precious blessing.
The hospital had a few different groups come in to talk to us about our next steps and to help us if we needed it. They weighed her, 1 pound 7 oz, 12 1/2 inches. She had grown since last time. She was bigger than we expected! But still so tiny! They made imprints of her hands and feet, they turned out awesome!
We moved to yet another room, the recovery rooms. There it was so nice, our nurse didn't bother us in the least, she assured us we could take all the time with Hailey that we wanted and not to feel rushed at all. We stayed up the entire night, just in amazement at her. Kissing her, rocking her, singing to her, talking to her, do all the things any parent would do with their newborn. This was our time, no one would be able to take this away. Allen spent the majority of the night rocking her. They looked so precious, so natural, so at peace. A memory I hope to hold onto forever.
This night was awesome, and so special. Of course it was filled with tears, and questions, but in our hearts we were at peace. We knew that God had called her home. He had said it was time. He had made all of this happen. We were not upset at him, we were just glad that he had blessed us with her. Yes if we could have talked to him and convinced him to end it another way, we would have, and we did try, all day everyday for the past 17 weeks. But how could we argue, He had held us through it all. He had held Hailey.
We had a photographer come in and take pictures of her, and I cannot wait to see them! I know they will be awesome! We will have these pictures to hold onto forever. They are what we will share with Kaylin when she begins to ask questions. She will be able to see who her awesome baby sister was.
We held Hailey until about 7:00 the next morning. We could have held her longer of course, but there will never be enough time, we will always want more. We felt at peace with letting her go. She had spoken to both Allen and I during the night, giving us peace knowing that she is safe and happy and we knew this would not be the last time we'd hear her sweet voice. I wished I could record her voice and play it over and over. It was amazing. It was so sweet, so angelic, she sounded older, maybe like a 5 or 6 year old, but boy was she bubbly. She wasn't gone, she was still here with us. She was just in Heaven.
After the nurse took Hailey, we took back Kaylin, who up till this point, Allen's parents had been watching in the waiting room. His Mom and Dad needed to leave for his Mom's MRI. They had stayed up the majority of the night too, just playing with Kaylin and laughing. Although no one had any sleep, except Kaylin, we were all okay with it. We were all on could 9 with the amazing moments we had just had.
I found the Disney channel, and Allen brought Kaylin in. She had just woken up and was just hanging on him, with her eyes glued to Mickey Mouse. Thank goodness for this mouse! I was cleared to go home around 11 and leaving the hospital was one of the hardest things we've done. We were leaving the same place we had so many times. But before, we always had Hailey with us, this time we had to leave her there. We cried the whole way home. Tears of sorrow and tears of joy. KSBJ, is great for our healing and also horrible. I don't know how it happens but most of the time, turning on that radio station, there is always a song playing that hits deep to the core of us. It has for months now. So as we pulled out onto the street, and the radio signal came back in, once again, the song on the radio made tears flow even faster.
We arrived home around noon, and just took it easy, still trying to truly grasp what we just went though. The miracle we had just had, and what all of this meant. We knew we had things to do, but none of it mattered. Today we were taking the day off. We would resume tomorrow.
All of our family and friends that knew, were on standby, just waiting for the words from our mouth to say 'Go.' Well we knew that we may need help tomorrow, it would be nice to have someone help with Kaylin while we looked at funeral arrangements. Uncle Brian and Aunt Jenna were asked to come in. They had already packed their bags and loaded them into the car. They headed down early Tuesday morning, and arrived around 11.
Allen began calling people. He called our church to inform them and see what we needed to do. He then began calling funeral homes. We picked one and headed in to meet with them and plan things. As much as we dreaded this, the people there made the process so much better than expected. And having Jenna and Brian there helped too. They added in the comic relief we needed.
I cannot explain anything these days, I just continue to sit back in awe of how awesome our God truly is. I was flipping through the pages of the funeral homes floral arrangements and nothing was sticking out. Nothing said that it was beautiful enough for Hailey. The funeral director began asking what I wanted, and I tried to put it into words. I'm not sure I did a good job but he seemed to get it. I wanted her to have something awesome, something happy, something bright. After all, she is with Jesus, I want something that shows this light and this beauty. He asked if he could custom design it for us, he said "Seriously just TRUST me, I understand exactly what you are looking for". I said yes, just hoping that it would be something better than the ones in the pictures. He just gave me a nod and we went on to another topic.
I was still kind of wondering, how he was so sure that he understood me. Well towards the end of our meeting, he opened up when I asked how long he had wanted to be in this business. He told us since he was in third grade as a little boy. And he also told us that he's sat in our seat. His wife had high risk pregnancies and he too had lost a baby, a little girl, 6 years ago. My heart was so moved that he had opened up and shared this with us. I can only think that, that is how he said he's got this, he could do the flowers. He too had a miracle whom he had to go through this same thing for. God had placed this funeral home and this man in our life, he had set it all up.
I am looking forward to Hailey's memorial. I'm sure it will be a day filled with tears that will flood the grass, but it will not be sad. It will be a day where we get to lay her earthly body to rest and continue to look to Heaven to see her. She will be under a tree, surrounded by other babies who were called home before their parents were ready.
A friend shared this with me and I believe it is true. All I could think when I was holding Hailey was that she is now Heaven's most beautiful angel.... "An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book 'too beautiful for earth'."
We will be holding her memorial service on Friday, November 9th at 11:00am at Memorial Oaks Funeral Home 13001 Katy Freeway, Houston, Texas 77079. We want this to be a day of celebration of her life and we will be in brighter colors instead of the typical black. If you feel led to come, please do. We'd love for you to share in our daughter's awesomeness!
