The last few months have been nothing short of a crazy journey. Some filled with joy, some with sorrow, mostly with just confusion and waiting. I've taken a back seat and slowed down on a lot, trying to wait out the craziness or at least wait until I knew more of what was going on.
We found out we were expecting our second child on March 30th, just before we went out to celebrate Allen passing his Series 7 exam with flying colors! We were headed to go have a margarita, just the two of us, and I had a feeling I should take a test to see if there might be a little baby in the oven. Well sure enough, there was! We now had two things to celebrate! Wahoo!
We were in shock, not because we weren't expecting to get pregnant, but mainly because we always said, God would have to be the one to allow us to get pregnant again, because if it were on our terms, we had no idea when we would be ready for a second child, Kaylin was still very much a handful. So we wondered, if we were ready, and how we would juggle two kids....thank goodness we knew I'd be pregnant for another nine months, and would could figure that out then!
And so the countdowns began! Countdown to the first midwife appointment to hear the heartbeat, countdown to first ultrasound and to our due date. I was so excited to give birth again and to have a newborn, could.not.wait!
What started out as just a typical Thursday at the park with Kaylin turned into the roller-coaster we're still on. We fed ducks, picked up BIG sticks, pushed her on the swing, slid down the slides, and all the normal things you do at the park, until all of a sudden I felt very odd. The kind of feeling you try to shake off but can't. I was nauseous, dizzy, and had very odd pressure going on. I knew I needed to take Kaylin and leave. After sitting in the car for a while, I finally began to feel better, at least not dizzy, and drove us home. When we got home, I plopped on the couch and tried to relax. Kaylin decided she wanted to nurse, so we sat zoned out watching tv, nursing. Then it happened, out of no where I began bleeding. I freaked. No idea what was going on, my only though was, we just lost the pregnancy at 15 weeks. I was hysterical. Allen came home, and we went to go see our midwife. Like always before, the heartbeat was strong, she was not gone, she was still there! What a relief!
We decided to have an ultrasound to see what caused the bleeding on Monday. It appeared as though I had a small subchorionic hemorrhage, but the baby looked like it was doing well! The hemorrhage should heal it's self and not be an issue to the pregnancy. I also had a low lying placenta that was partially covering my cervix, aka, if it didn't move, I would have to deliver via c-section. At the time, I thought this was BIG news and crazy! I could not do surgery! I was going to deliver at home and was trusting God would take care of moving the placenta.
The bleeding turned to spotting, but still had me on edge and continued for another few weeks. So at 17 weeks, we went in for a second opinion, we went to see an OB. The OB assured us that the bleeding wasn't a big deal and things would most likely heal themselves and resolve around 20 weeks. She suggested we have another ultrasound to check things out, so we did. On July 13th, we went in to see what we were having and to make sure that everything was fine. Well our little bugger didn't want to show anyone anything. Just wanted to sit as far down and they could and hide everything. But what the sonographer could see, worried her. We had very low fluid, about 7 cm I believe, baby was small for her age, about 4 weeks behind, venus lakes in the placenta, bright bowels, and who knows what else. But she didn't tell us this, she waited for the OB to give us the news, that our baby appeared to be in big trouble.
After that, Allen, Kaylin and I headed downtown to see a perinatologist to see what his expert experience was, and what he thought was going on. He came back with the same findings, and also said their may be fluid around the heart and the heart may have a hole in it, he also added that many times this sort of thing is seen in babies with chromosomal issues and that we could expect the baby wouldn't make it. He wanted me to get blood work done to make sure I was clotting okay and wanted me to go in next week to check for a heartbeat, but wasn't hopeful. So we did. Our little bundle of joy, was still there week after week. After more ultrasounds and heartbeat checks, we decided it was time to see if we could get more answers.
We contacted the Fetal Center at Texas Children's and were scheduled for an all day event of tests. Ultrasound, Echocardiagram, MRI, genetics counselor meeting, and pediatric surgeon. I was excited to see what all these test would say, surely they would be able to give us the hope were looking for. After all, they're the best in the country right? Well that day in August, we were about 23/24 weeks along, and we did get some exciting news, it is a GIRL! She couldn't hold off anymore, 5 ultrasounds later, we finally were able to see that Hailey Faith was the one who was on her way. But this visit too ended just like the other doctor visits had. We never met with the surgeon, instead we met with a High Risk OB who said given all they see, we could expect to lose our baby. She offered, if it was too much for me to endure, we could induce labor now and end the pregnancy. I wanted to jump out of my chair and smack this woman. Really? I'm sitting here crying in your office, and you're telling me let's just end this now? She's still fighting, she's still going. I can't give up until she does. Her life is in God's hands, not the doctors.
The doctor wanted me to return next week to start paperwork to transfer care to her office. After what she just offered to us, I did not want to see her ever again. I wanted the doctor I came to Texas Children's for, so she and he discussed, I would be his patient and he would take care of our pregnancy. So since then, we've gone in every few weeks for either an echo or a growth scan along with a typical prenatal appointment. We've grown accustomed to driving 45 minutes both ways, paying to park downtown, paying our copays, waiting for doctors and leaving with the same news, of 'You're baby is very sick, we don't expect she will make it, at this point there's nothing we can do to interfere on her behalf because she's just not to a viable size.'
Two weeks ago, at 32 weeks, the end of that was a little different. We had a growth scan, Hailey was not measuring 6 week behind anymore, she was now almost 10 weeks behind. She was 437 grams according to ultrasound estimates and was now showing signs that she was not tolerating the pregnancy any longer. Her heartbeat was still strong, but there were issues with the cord according to this doctor. He suggested I be hospitalized and monitored and that we would decide when the right time to take Hailey out was.
After talking, we decided this was not the best thing for any of us. Hailey is still tiny, and if she hasn't grown much (only 70 grams) in 4 weeks, is it just her time? Is God beginning to take our baby? We knew it wasn't right to take her out via csection, we weren't willing to watch a tiny baby suffer outside the womb. If she wasn't going to make it, I wanted it to be inside where she was warm and tucked in. And if she was going to make it, I wanted her to get all she can from the pregnancy, I felt she still had more to get, she wasn't ready for the outside world just yet.
So since then, I really started preparing for her not to make it, I began more intently looking at where we would want to bury her, how we would want her funeral to be, I even bought things to make her a baby blanket so she would always have something from Mommy. If I was only going to have one chance at holding her, I wanted her to forever be able to feel my love. After a few days of trying to prepare for the worst, it became too much. I couldn't take it anymore and stopped. I've thought about all the angles but had to stop planning her funeral, not until we knew she wasn't here.
This last week, Allen told me he had a strange feeling about the upcoming weekend. Wasn't sure why, but just did. I kind of laughed because through all this, our instincts have been 'wrong'. We both know this. Anytime we think one way, Hailey proves to us another.
But he was a little right, Saturday morning, I woke up and had started bleeding again. I thought this for sure was it. 34 weeks in, I was for sure I'd lost her. Even though we had just heard her strong heartbeat the day before. Something about today was different. I had always thought if I started bleeding for a third time, she wouldn't make it. Well again, there I go for thinking. We went in to see our midwife at 8:30 Saturday morning, and there she was, heartbeat strong. My little wild child! (:
So if that's the case, what is going on? No one knows anything, we don't fit any mold, we are off the charts into the 'never seen before' category.
Well today is another day, I sit here waiting for Allen to come home, so we can head down to the Med Center and wait as my belly is poked on and rolled over for a couple of hours for another echo. Maybe today we'll know some more of what's going on? Although, I fully expect Hailey will hold her ground, only allow the doctors to see what she wants to show them. And keep everyone guessing. We will continue to fight, and pray that she continues to be a miracle. She already is such a big one. She is such a blessing. We have no idea how this pregnancy will end, but we do know that Hailey has made a big mark on our families heart and we could not imagine it any other way. I love carrying her every single day. Only the Lord knows what the next 5 weeks will bring and we will continue to wait on Him.
"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I
was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days
ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be." Psalm 139 13-16
